Shadows of Death

“He restores my soul: he leads me in the paths of righteousness for his names sake. Yea, though  I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me, thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.” Psalm 23: 3-4

Picking up human remains on the weekends from morgues and  fatalities on the express ways had become a part of my normal routine, supporting family business, over the last ten years. Burning bones from exploded semi trucks, feet, organs, unidentifiable remains, out of ditches and rivers, bodies, car wrecks, decapitated. Embalming the unclaimed and unknown as apart of mortuary school completion. I realized I was not going through life with the same lens as those around me. After a fatality once the remains were delivered you just go back to your normal day.

You don’t forget those moments. Before I go into any space with the dead I always lean into Gods presence and ask him to protect my mind. The 23rd Psalm of David gives me comfort because it ensures me this path has been walked on before and the word ensures that there’s nothing to fear, even in the midst of death..

Experiencing death frequently, you value moments of life. You have to have people that understand you do not have the capacity to major in minor things. I had to learn how to take care of my self in different ways mentally and spiritually.

I decided to live this life and serve fully.

Many people don’t have conversations around death let alone have the tools to navigate during its presence.

My fathers death this year broke my heart but it brought me peace.

Peace in knowing he was no longer suffering. Peace In having a sound mind. Peace in being there every step of the way. I stayed many days and nights in and out of the progressive and intensive care units. Became uncomfortably familiar with the process of palliative care. The last few months together, we read some good books. I read to him, he started  going blind when I was in high school. My dad would’ve made 77 this year. His health declined fast. One morning his esophagus ruptured, I woke up to him choking on his blood. His last words were “don’t let me die in front of my daughter”,  but he did though.

Although my heart felt like a cinder lock had been placed on it I understood I was there still on an assignment, to Honor my Father. In the shadow of death.

God had been preparing me for years for this very moment.

Once his remains were processed for release I went to get him from the hospital morgue and took him to the crematory. This was my first funeral out of mortuary school. There was really no time to be sad because I was the only one who could make these decisions for him. I came to the realization that I can do hard things, even in the shadow of death.

There are moments of sadness but there’s too many opportunities to experience joy in my life to dwell in sadness. I choose joy daily. I refuse to engage in any thing that doesn’t look like ease, opportunity, grace, or abundance.

Im not sharing for sympathy. I am sharing to make people realize how close death is, always.

Live your life, for you. Don’t be afraid to say the things you need to say. Have hard conversations with your parents and make sure there is a plan for your life.

Get your affairs in order. Invest in life insurance, especially if you have children.

Get grounded, so that your emotional state doesn’t fluctuate because of what you’re going through. Meditate & Pray.

You have to learn how to enjoy life….Or you’ll end up taking it for granted. 

As I’m growing and learning in the death care industry what I know for sure is that others peoples grief isn’t mine to carry.

Stay Encouraged My Friends. Take care of your mind, body, and soul. Pour into those that pour into you. Let your creativity guide you.

& Book Summers Ark for all your floral needs ha ha.

Peace, Love, Blessings, and Healing.

Melissa Summer Gray